"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for others?" -George Elliot-

       These things are getting fewer and more far between… I’ll try to work on that. School has finally started at Millsaps. I have a fantastic schedule- Religion and Peace, The Meaning of Work, 2 Choirs, 2 Hours of Voice Lessons=16 hours. I really had to fight the urge to add on another hour. However, my wise adviser thought that I should just stick to 16. Besides that, I’m going to be a youth counselor at my church- Galloway- this fall and spring semester, I’m singing for MCF again and am in their Core Group thing. I haven’t talked about this on here all summer- but I got a personal trainer in May. I know- I sound like a yuppie. It’s ok though because it is the best thing that I’ve ever done. I have had this phenomenal experience this summer of discovering the mind/body/spirit connection. I initially decided on the trainer idea because I read this book on anxiety and it said that one of the best ways to reduce it was to exercise. So, I’ve worked out 5-7 hours a week this summer. Amazingly, I’m never anxious anymore. I don’t have panic attacks, I’m freer, and as my trainer said I’m “rediscovering my athleticism.” Not the competitive sports type of althleticism, the dancing/backpacking type. The second reason that I decided on a trainer was because I want to hike the entire Appalachian Trail in the Spring of 2008. I’ve wanted to do this for sometime now.

       However, while I was on my ridiculous road trip I had 42.5 hours (thats 2,312 miles with driving average of 54 MPH) of driving for self-reflection/time to talk with God. I feel like in the midst of always making plans (a recurring theme in my life) I always edit service from the equation. I want to hike the Appalachian Trail; I Want to live in Italy; I WANT to do so much… while my heart deeply feels for those less fortunate- what am I doing about it? When do I want to give? So, I started to really think about what I could do (on the macro and micro scale) to give back. On a weekly basis, but also for an extended period of time. The more I prayed about it, the more I felt convicted about some form of mission work. Maybe even for a few years before I go to seminary. I researched these things on the United Methodist website and came up with two programs designed for people specifically my age. The first is a 2 year commitment and would be at an organization in the US. The second is a 3 year commitment and would spend 16 months in the US and 16 months in a foreign country. I also thought about various jobs with Habitat for Humanity. So, now I’m torn in the “plan my life-5 year plan” area. On the one hand, if I don’t plan anything… then nothing might happen. However, something might. If I do plan and things don’t happen the way I plan for them to (which is usually the case) then why even bother planning. I guess it is better to just keep walking… even if I don’t know where I’m walking to.  So, do I go to seminary, get the knowledge and know-how and then do mission work? Do I do mission work to discern where to focus in seminary? (Youth-Ministry, Counselling, Mission-work?) What about having a family? Will that ever happen? Do I just keep refusing to date until I have it all figured out? I don't know, I'm having one of those moments where I wish I could just know...but then I wouldn't learn in the process. Oh, gracious.

       Random side-note: I’ve steadily decreased my writings here because I’ve been utterly creeped out by the “footprints” device. When one location- the Unknown person from California (who I think is actually from MS according to my other site meter) began to check my xanga multiple (ridiculously so) times a day and even at odd hours, I got worried. I don’t have a clue why I would be so interesting or if this happens to everyone else or not, but 20x in one day is too much. So, I put my site on Xanga Lock- it can’t be Googled or read by someone not a member of Xanga. However, I still see that this person checks it and I don’t know if they can read it or not- but I’m tired of retreating from the world of my webblog because of a creepy interloper. Maybe its an automatic thing for websites or something completely innocent- but does anyone have an explanation? Well, I'm taking it off of Xanga-Lock now and want some form of peace of mind.

       I’m leaving tomorrow for Chamber Singers Choir Retreat. This semester at Millsaps is already going so much better than last semester. I just needed some time to become familiar with people. I’m always kinda shy before I get to know people. Now that I know people, have a sense of belonging, and have fallen in love with reacquainting my self with my hometown, things are loads better. So, I’m really excited about this retreat because I want to get to know these people better. Lastly, I had to sing a solo for Convocation today. It isn’t nearly so full of the Pomp and Circumstance that Sewanee’s Convocations always are, but it was a good time nonetheless. I found out yesterday that I was going to sing it and called my voice teacher for an impromptu critique, which proved to be very helpful. I think singing is one of the areas in my life where I welcome critique. I would much rather be critiqued than complimented- I really like to know what I do wrong- it helps to improve and humbles. (Constructive criticism that is, not “rip-your heart out, stomp on it, shove it back in your chest” criticism.)

Ok, I’m tired and still have to pack. Night, night. 

Currently Listening 1000 Kisses Mil Besos see related

        I’m leaving in a few minutes for a grand adventure of driving around the Southeastern United States for about ten days. First, I’m going to Destin, Florida to see Caroline. Then I’ll make a quick detour into Lenox Mall to visit Anthropologie. After a brief shopping trip, I’m off to Cumming, GA to spend the night of newly married friends Laura and Ben Ladd. I shall then head north to Charlotte, NC to visit JenDud and then to Raleigh to visit Caroline’s sister Emily. Then my friend Emily Clark in Cary, NC. We will hopefully caravan down to Sewanee together to get her moved in. I’ll spend a few days in Sewanee and then come back to Jackson. Millsaps doesn’t start until August 28^th, so I get some much needed Rest and Relaxation. I’m sure that a blitzkrieg adventure driving upwards of 28.5 hours in 9 days.

        I’ve been super-duper busy these past few weeks. August 4, I took my final Spanish Exam. Thankfully it was formatted differently than all the other tests to an essay writing test, all in Spanish. I’m much better at essays. On August 3, I had the most horrific experience of my entire life. I was pet sitting for my wonderful cousins/next door neighbors for the week because they were in Star. On Thursday morning, I got up to feed the pets before I even fed myself, put their beautiful Siberian Husky Nanook in the backyard and put food out for her and the cats. She saw that the laundry room door was open the smallest crack from the backyard (she is a mastermind of escaping) and made a beeline for it when I let her back into the house. She got out and myself (being in a nightgown) had to change really fast, grab the leash and some treats and head toward one of the busiest roads in Jackson to try and catch her. She was running back and forth across Old Canton. I get her to come to me for the cheese treat and she snatched it before I could grab her and tore off down the sidewalk away from me. She then darted into traffic without looking and was hit head-on by a large red pick-up with a trailer behind it. I her yelp as she was initially hit and heard 3 sets of tires roll over her. It was aweful. A woman standing in her front yard screamed bloody murder as I ran as fast as I could down the road to her. The damn truck didn’t even stop. Nanook was breathing but not moving. A nice man in a yellow pick-up truck stopped and I lifted her limp body into the bed of the truck as he drove her back to the house for me. I ran the whole way b/c I had to go back to get my car keys and leash. I had him put her on her bed in the house while I called Monte and Amy and got the number and directions for the VET. I laid blankets down on the bottom of my car and carried her out and drove as fast and carefully as I could to the vets office. I got blood all down the front of my clothing and shoes and kept talking to her to keep her calm. I knew she was having trouble breathing and was gasping every now and then. When I got to the vet, a man carried her inside and I sat in the front waiting. I was there for about 5 min. before they came out and told me she was dead. I collapsed into the floor crying. They had to move me into the back of the building because I was crying so loudly and upsetting people. It was my dog too and I had never felt so badly about anything in my entire life. I had to sit there for 45 min. waiting for my cousins to drive in from Star. I went through an entire box of Kleenex. After about 30 min. I had them move her body into a room so that my cousins could see her then they got there. She was the most beautiful dog I had ever seen, even in death. I got so angry at the fleas that were now crawling on her face. It felt like a scene from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as Lucy and Susan were angry at the mice, I was angry at the fleas who would never have been so bold had she been alive. The family, including my 6 year old cousin Dakota finally got there and I had to stop crying and be brave. I had called my professor to tell him that I would be late and explained the situation. It was our last day of class before our final examination and I knew that I had to go. Auto-pilot switched on inside of me and I went straight to class with blood down the front of me and under my fingernails. I was completely dazed and tears silently rolled down my face throughout class.

        My professor talked to me for a good thirty minutes after class about God and in having faith that things happen for a reason. He made me feel a good deal better and although I was ready to just quit and take the class over again, he made me realize that giving up would only increase the pain and that perseverance was necessary. I went home and slept for a few hours afterwards and then worked out at the gym to get my anger out. Then studied with uncanny focus at Barnes and Noble for the rest of the night. I took the test the next day, worked out again and threw a dinner party Friday night. I invited 65 people (knowing that most of them were out of town but wanted them to feel included anyway). About 15-20 people came throughout the night and it was a successful party.

        Friday was also my brother’s 19^th birthday and he was having a senior party at Star the next day. I went down there with Monte, Amy, Dakota and their charming movie director friend and ended up staying down there until 10PM that night. We swam in the lake for about 3 hours and amidst a water-gun fighting match, Monte’s wedding ring fell off into the water. We searched for a good hour trying to find it, but to no avail. We then played cards (Phase 10) for 4 hours (longest card game of my life). Besides running errands, registering/changing classes and getting everything I need to do before school done last week, things have been fairly uneventful. I went to the MS braves game with my seemingly entire church and saw Chipper Jones play. I saw a whole bunch of movies, spent ridiculous amounts of time with Caroline and other friends who are in town. I’m ready for this semester to start.

A chord of fear struck in my heart.

            This past week in Jackson, I’ve driven to summer school every day and been in tears by the time that I arrived inside the safety of the gates of my school.   There have been protests going on all the way from my apartment to the campus by Anti-Abortion protesters. Their mission was to shut down the only abortion clinic in MS, but protested far more than just abortion.  There have been hundreds of signs- pictures of dead aborted babies.  They are bloody, graphic, and horrible.  People with megaphones shout to the cars trapped in traffic and giant ten commandments are held up for all to see.  My cousin Amy said that they stood outside her office building every day last week shouting through megaphones.  I’ve never felt so harassed in my life and I was just driving by.  I felt sorry for the poor medical students who had to walk by there every day.  I personally feel that abortion is one of the most horrible acts that a human could ever do, but do not think that it is constitutional to forbid it.  Last week the Pro-Choice rally was held in Jackson, only to be followed this week by the Pro-Life rallies which were far less peaceful.  I remember talking with some friends about the signs, shouting, and feeling of hatred poured forth from their mouths.  They even had signs around the Millsap’s campus saying “Gates of Hell” because of homosexual individuals who go to school there.  I do not believe that anyone is actually converted by such abusive practices.   The protesters seemed to be appealing to any form of bigotry to gain support.  I found this article today and it turns out they were even more terrible than I thought.  I was not surprised to find my own sentiments reflected that the Christian message is one of love, not one of hatred. I’m just thankful that this past week has ended.

Jackson 07/21/06
Organizations Denounce Anti-Abortionists' Tactics
By Wendy Suares
wsuares@wlbt.net

They are not all Pro-Choice, but leaders from more than half a dozen organizations share one thing in common. They are all denouncing the tactics used this week by abortion protestors.

When protesters with Operation Save America ripped up a gay pride flag Tuesday, it struck a chord with leaders of Mississippi's gay community.  Vice Chair of Unity Mississippi Deborah Watkins says, "We were outraged and appalled... not surprised though." 

Watkins says homosexuality has nothing to do with abortion. And that's how some religious leaders feel about the anti-abortion group also destroying the Islamic holy book, the Quran. Protestors ripped out pages Tuesday and later burned them at a local church.

Rabbi Valerie Cohen says, "Whether you consider it sacred or not does not mean that you can disvalue it."  Local attorney Ali Shamsiddeen says, "As a Muslim, I thought it was unnecessary, horrendous, and an effort by this group to cater to those who have bigoted ideas." 

The coalition of groups denouncing OSA includes local and international organizations. Support is coming from as far away as Belgium. Michelle colon: "We have young people, older people, black, white.... Our movement is very diverse," says Michelle Colon, who is with the National Organization for Women. "We are all freedom fighters."

OSA is leading their 8 day protest with the goal of shutting down the state's only abortion clinic, but these groups say their tactics are filled with bigotry and hatred.  "Christianity teaches love and tolerance and this is not an example of that," says Raeyven Rasheed, who's with Radical Women. 

The abortion-rights groups will hold a rally tomorrow at the capitol. Operation Save America will also wrap up its 8 day protests in Jackson.